There he is!! He tall dark AND handsome too! And he’s on a dark stallion, not a white one. He’s trotting his beautiful steed in YOUR direction. And he’s got every qualification that you deem necessary. MBA-check!
Curly hair-check! Gleeming white teeth-check! Those tickets to that “thing”-check! A gorgeously muscular body-check! Pedicured feet-check! Diamonds and pearls-check! Look again, here he comes, and his eyes are focused on YOU like a laser! He’s most definitely lusting after you, out of all the rest. HERE HE IS! He’s swooping you up and onto his trusty black stallion with one strong arm! He gently places you on his horse, and near his thumping heart. You lean close and you can feel his fresh and minty breath on your cheek. You close your eyes in a swoon, and you both gallop away towards that gorgeous sunset!
If only it was like this, huh? Then life would be so wonderful, and would end happily ever after, wouldn’t it? Now we know a fairy tale when we hear one, don’t we? Ain’t no fine black men riding horses except in Old Spice commercials. We got sense enough to not be checking for this kind of stuff. We can differentiate between romance novels and real life. Or can we?
Let me put forth the following scenario. Beautiful black woman–college graduate. Degreed. Employed. Monied. Weaved. Bootied. Sista girl’s got it goin’ on, big time!!
And you know this! So when a brother steps to her, he must come correct, without any bullshit because
sista girl’s shitometer is in effect. She don’t suffer fools gladly. She worked hard to get up the ladder of success. She’s respected in her profession, and even has a bit of fame. She’s got some values, and knows her value as well.
Now with all of this going for you, sista girl, you ought to have access to the cream of the crop. Yet, instead, you can’t seem to find a “decent” brother. They got all kinds of issues, problems, drama, weaknesses, lack, quirks, shortcomings. Things you simply are not interested in dealing with. You got too much going on in your career to deal with this kind of man. But the reality is that there are no brothers who don’t have some weakness or shortcoming. No sisters either. We ladies know this, yet some of us still make the mistake of waiting for that black Prince Charming.
Too many sisters approach looking for a man as though they’re looking for the perfect house! What ever happened to the idea of working together to build a relationship and a life? Are we educated women not willing to put in the hard work necessary? We go into relationships with the idea that the man has to be our everything. It’s as though we’re looking for an emotional butler, to take care of our every emotional whim. We want that man to complete us! He must always affirm us, uplift our spirits, set our hearts on fire, say the right things all the time! Ladies, you’re already complete, no man can complete you!
We ladies are so afraid of our hearts being broken, yet we have the romantic idea that we have to put our hearts in some man’s hands. A real relationship is about developing love and respect for one another. It’s about compromising and building a life together. It’s about dealing with each other’s shortcomings and weaknesses and helping each other grow into more responsible, wise human beings. It’s about being real enough to forgive each other when one hurts the other, which is inevitable. This is life. It’s not about holding a grudge because the man “hurt” you, or did what you didn’t like. It’s not about some girlish fantasty test of putting your heart in his hands to see if he’ll break it. It’s not about a man meeting a long list of superficial criteria.
We ladies have to be discerning enough, and real enough to determine when a man is a good fit spiritually and when he isn’t. We have to be able to differentiate between non-negotiable issues like abusers, and superficial issues like looks. It’s time for us to be real. Let’s not dangle our pedigrees in front of ourselves, as though that prequalifies us somehow. In my opinion, sisters, if you make a lot of money, don’t flaunt it, because nobody cares.
Ladies, it’s high time for us to learn how to deal intelligently and objectively with the realities of racism and classism. Since these issues exist, let’s acknowledge that they affect our brothers in every aspect of their lives, just as they affect us. Let’s use our intelligence and learn to navigate around these stumbling blocks so we can build strong relationships with our men. Let’s drop these ridiculous eurocentric standards for choosing our men, because like eurocentric standards of beauty, they just dont fit our reality as black people.
We’ve heard all the news reports about educated black women being unable to get men. Ladies, education is not brand new to black women. We’ve had access to education all along, and we also had husbands! Don’t believe the hype! Let’s stop thinking that we are all that because we have educations, and that our men need to bow down to us! Let’s stop with the “black men are dogs” analogy, because it isolates and hurts us. We have to put on our thinking caps and make a paradigm shift in OUR thinking so we can prepare our own hearts, humble ourselves without degrading ourselves, and be able to recognize, receive, and properly deal with, A Real Black Man!
- How NOT To Fall Out of Love With Black Folks (nachalooman.wordpress.com)
- The Black Miracle – Dr. Na’im Akbar (nachalooman.wordpress.com)
- The Antidote To Raising Our Sons to be Whores (nachalooman.wordpress.com)
- Black Male and Female Relational Fragmentation – Dr. Na’im Akbar (nachalooman.wordpress.com)
- Are We Naturals Sabotaging The Beauty Of Our Hair Movement? (nachalooman.wordpress.com)