It’s so interesting how prayers work in mysterious ways that you don’t expect. I have often prayed for boldness and discernment, because I have always been a very timid person. But I have always had the spirit of greatness inside my heart, always desiring bigger and better things without knowing exactly what they were.
Being timid with a heart for greatness is not an easy gig, but it was mine for a very long time, and I was wedded to it. My saving grace was being an avid book reader. Through books, I would always learn of some fascinating career or of an interesting place that begged to be visited. Invariably, whenever an opportunity that was “out of the box” came my way, I’d think of a thousands reasons why it was impossible to me. I was very effective at keeping myself in my restrictive little box, the corners of which I filled perfectly.
It has been said that our the circle of our close family members and how they interrelate plays a large part in shaping our individual personalities, our world view and how we view ourselves. Based on this, I can see how I became that timid child. But it’s also true that our friends and acquaintences play a role in how we develop as well. Have you ever been influenced by your homegirl or homeboy to do something that you never would have thought of on your own? That’s why it’s so important to be aware of the friends and acquaintances you keep.
Then there is that sad creature who barely associates with anyone – that person who has subtracted herself out of the equation as it pertains to normal friendships. How will she be influenced and inspired to even move out of her rut – either to the negative side or the positive side? After all, she has set herself in a very tight box, with no wiggle room of any sort. She is stuck, and though she wants to change desparately, she has no idea how to do so. She doesn’t have any clue of how to segue into any of the available methods towards change. Who or what will be able to break through and save our damsel in distress?
Though I was powerless to change my situation, I at least understood that my situation could be changed. I daydreamed about my situation. I read many books on self help, spirituality, etc., etc. It was so frustrating to read books and listen to personality coaches like Anthony Robbins tell me to “just do it”. These life coaches always told us that we were well able to and definitely should “just do it”. They’d cautioned us to not believe our own negative hype. They’d remind us of the numerous losers who are now doing big things because they went ahead and “just did it”. They’d tell us that we didn’t need stuff like college diplomas, large sums of money, or even good looks to “just do it” I believed wholeheartedly what they told me and after each pep rally, I was always hyped toward my breakthrough. Yet the hype always fizzled out, and again I still felt stuck.
This was the pattern of my life for a long time. Even though I was failing again and again to break out, I didn’t give up hope on that break through. Interestingly enough, right in the middle of this madness, I made small steps towards rediscovering the Lord. God called me to Godself. And I willingly went towards the Lord after having spent so many years away. I started saying simple, diligent prayers. As I prayed my clumsy prayers, I realized that I had no idea of how the answers would materialize. All I knew is that I wanted boldness and discernment. So I continued to pray, and after a while I started noticing a change slowly take place in my spirit.
In the beginning I was impatient with myself. I wanted a bigger and faster change. I would become so frustrated with myself whenever I took two steps forward and one step back. But after a while I realized that I was still making headway, even if it was ever so slowly. As I watched myself progress, I gradually stopped feeling frustrated about the speed of my progression. I began to watch myself very closely, as I overcame one issue after the next, at my pace.
I also learned that I had many more issues than I thought, and I watched them as they surfaced, then fall away; then come back, and fall away again. My pattern was circular, like a ripples on a pond slowly fading, as I think about it. My issues are in varying stages of circular motion, like numerous ripples on the pond of my spirit. It’s all so very zen – watching them dissapate one by one. What’s also interesting is to see the new ones emerge, that I wasn’t aware of. I’m now at the point of not getting upset at myself as I watch all these issues because I trust that they will dissapate with prayer.
This past year has been a time of learning myself like never before. And in the last three months I have gone even deeper into self discovery and blessings from God. The Lord has placed me into numerous situation and circumstances, most of them challenging in a good way. I’m watching myself change for the better. I am becoming stronger and more of my true self is emerging. I thank God and know that it is God who has done it all. After all, if I were truly able to change myself, I would have done it a long time ago, after the first pep rally with Anthony Robbins.
In truth, for me, it has been the gift of diligent, clumsy prayer that has cracked open the box and made a way for my change.