Your Girl’s Busy Becoming Herself!

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Prayer flags on Renjo La
Prayer flags on Renjo La

It’s so interesting how prayers work in mysterious ways that you don’t expect.  I have often prayed for boldness and discernment, because I have always been a very timid person.  But I have always had the spirit of greatness inside my heart, always desiring bigger and better things without knowing exactly what they were.

Being timid with a heart for greatness is not an easy gig, but it was mine for a very long time, and I was wedded to it.  My saving grace was being an avid book reader.  Through books, I would always learn of some fascinating career or of an interesting place that begged to be visited.   Invariably, whenever an opportunity that was “out of the box” came my way, I’d think of a thousands reasons why it was impossible to me.  I was very effective at keeping myself in my restrictive little box, the corners of which I filled perfectly.

It has been said that our the circle of our close family members and how they interrelate plays a large part in shaping our individual personalities, our world view and how we view ourselves.  Based on this, I can see how I became that timid child.  But it’s also true that our friends and acquaintences play a role in how we develop as well.  Have you ever been influenced by your homegirl or homeboy to do something that you never would have thought of on your own?  That’s why it’s so important to be aware of the friends and acquaintances you keep.

Then there is that sad creature who barely associates with anyone – that person who has subtracted herself out of the equation as it pertains to normal friendships.  How will she be influenced and inspired to even move out of her rut – either to the negative side or the positive side?   After all, she has set herself in a very tight box, with no wiggle room of any sort.  She is stuck, and though she wants to change desparately, she has no idea how to do so.  She doesn’t have any clue of how to segue into any of the available methods towards change.   Who or what will be able to break through and save our damsel in distress?

Though I was powerless to change my situation, I at least understood that my situation could be changed.  I daydreamed about my situation.  I read many books on self help, spirituality, etc., etc.  It was so frustrating to read books and listen to personality coaches like Anthony Robbins tell me to “just do it”.  These life coaches always told us that we were well able to and definitely should “just do it”.  They’d cautioned us to not believe our own negative hype.  They’d remind us of the numerous losers who are now doing big things because they went ahead and “just did it”.  They’d tell us that we didn’t need stuff like college diplomas, large sums of money, or even good looks to “just do it”  I believed wholeheartedly what they told me and after each pep rally, I was always hyped toward my breakthrough.  Yet the hype always fizzled out, and again I still felt stuck.

This was the pattern of my life for a long time.  Even though I was failing again and again to break out, I didn’t give up hope on that break through.  Interestingly enough, right in the middle of this madness, I made small steps towards rediscovering the Lord.  God called me to Godself.  And I willingly went towards the Lord after having spent so many years away.   I started saying simple, diligent prayers.  As I prayed my clumsy prayers, I realized that I had no idea of how the answers would materialize.  All I knew is that I wanted boldness and discernment.  So I continued to pray, and after a while I started noticing a change slowly take place in my spirit.

In the beginning I was impatient with myself.  I wanted a bigger and faster change. I would become so frustrated with myself whenever I took two steps forward and one step back.  But after a while I realized that I was still making headway, even if it was ever so slowly.  As I watched myself progress, I gradually stopped feeling frustrated about the speed of my progression.  I began to watch myself very closely, as I overcame one issue after the next, at my pace.

I also learned that I had many more issues than I thought, and I watched them as they surfaced, then fall away; then come back, and fall away again.  My pattern was circular, like a ripples on a pond slowly fading, as I think about it.  My issues are in varying stages of circular motion, like numerous ripples on the pond of my spirit.  It’s all so very zen – watching them dissapate one by one.  What’s also interesting is to see the new ones emerge, that I wasn’t aware of.  I’m now at the point of not getting upset at myself as I watch all these issues because I trust that they will dissapate with prayer.

This past year has been a time of learning myself like never before.  And in the last three months I have gone even deeper into self discovery and blessings from God.  The Lord has placed me into numerous situation and circumstances, most of them challenging in a good way.  I’m watching myself change for the better.  I am becoming stronger and more of my true self is emerging.  I thank God and know that it is God who has done it all.  After all, if I were truly able to change myself, I would have done it a long time ago, after the first pep rally with Anthony Robbins.

In truth, for me, it has been the gift of diligent, clumsy prayer that has cracked open the box and made a way for my change.

Amen.

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Reggie says:

    Timid? I would have never thought of you as timid after reading so many of your posts over the years.

    1. Anna Renee says:

      I know. I was never meant for timidity, but fear and picking up and hanging on to the negatives of my young life, without having the right amount of encouragement is what caused me to accept timidity from a young age. Well 51 years of age is as good a time as any to get on the right track. 🙂

  2. Sharon says:

    I would not say timid, shy maybe. But in my opinion you have outgrown that many years ago just scared to take that step as I am too sis.

    1. Anna Renee says:

      Hey boo! What I learned is that I can’t hate on myself for my pace. If I’m not ready, then I’m not, and I need to at least get around people who can help me and support me.
      That “first step” is very important and you have to make sure you have all the facts – in the spiritual realm and in the natural realm. We are not in any contests – not even with ourselves.
      I remember how I was so anxious for that tomato plant to grow faster than it was meant to. I thought it’s life was in my hands and it would keel over at any second. Well I learned that tomato plants have their time in which to develop, and they don’t be tripping about how long it takes! They just chill and grow in their time. 🙂

      Don’t worry about “the step”. It will come time to take it when it comes.

      1. Sharon says:

        Miss you boo

  3. Lin says:

    Thanks for sharing your Good News, A. M (if I may indeed still call you that… w/ so much change & transformation going on in the wilds of Anna Renee-ville).

    There is a wonderful & settling effect attached to the gravitas of prayer. Whatever weighs heavily upon the spirit becomes this lighter thing, and it no longer holds you down.

    Prayer, much like meditation, can center you into a better, more positive level of self-focus. Things open up, and you are far more freer under the sun, the stars, the moon, and best of all under one’s own skin.

    Life becomes clearer. It truly begins to make sense… and those daily stresses are suddenly far more managable. You discover that The Creator is Quite The Crisis Manager.

    OK. I’m speaking mainly from a deeply personal place on what prayer has done for me– but it does sound as if YOU & your open Spirit are receiving many of the same bennies (Benefits).

    It’s all kind of Beautiful & Quietly Transforming, isn’t it?

    Snatch JOY, A. M. R. P. O. B. O.B. U… C!

    One.

    1. Anna Renee says:

      I’m feeling the lurve! Thanks Lin, and I’m snatching all the joy I can stand, and I know you are too! 😀

  4. Your journey sounds like it has just intersected at a treasure of a curve. You have so much inner strength, I have learnt that reading you and I’m excited to hear what you will meet after the bend… We need not only love to guide us, but also pain and fear…I believe that’s when we can learn to emerge proverbially naked, bold, free… Infinite blessings, Sis.

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